On August 22, 2020, I lost my nephew. He was just 19, and I had the privilege of watching him grow up. I was there for every milestone in his life. His name symbolized the idea that God is always with us. I witnessed him looking up to me, considering me a role model. I had my imperfections, but he still admired me.

What took him away from me were drugs and being involved with a local gang and the wrong group of friends. I firmly believe that the company you keep defines who you are and influences your growth. The devil had access to his life through his circle of friends, leading him down a path of drugs and high-speed motorcycle rides. It was a fateful ride during the monsoon that tragically took his life away.

This incident had a profound impact on me, and it deepened my struggle with depression. Adding this tragedy to my list of life’s hardships weighed heavily on my heart. My nephew was like a son to me; I was always there to support and defend him. But in the three months leading up to his passing, all we had were video calls. I watched him smile and talk to me during those calls.

The next time I saw him, it was in a coffin on the afternoon of August 23rd. I witnessed my dad, torn apart by grief, saying his final goodbyes. The ambulance ride that brought him from the hospital to our home for that last meeting will forever remain etched in my memory.

“Kendrick Lamar’s song “U” was always deep, but it took on a whole new meaning for me after my nephew’s passing. Now, I truly understand the depth of what Kendrick raps about.”

At times, I find myself struggle with the weight of self-doubt, feeling that I fell short as a brother, a disciple, or even as a friend. The burden of these self-imposed expectations has made it complex to love myself. In moments of deep depression, I’ve allowed the darkness within me to take hold, and I’ve drifted away from the path I once walked. I used to seek solace in the church, engaging in conversations with God. However, now it seems like all I do is drown my sorrows in alcohol, forsaking the sanctuary of the church, the wisdom of prophets, the guidance of pastors, and the mentorship of youth leaders that once offered salvation.